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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 16, 2014 1:31am-2:03am PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: boom, pow! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: come on, come on, yay! (cheers and applause) crazy, that's crazy! welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen.
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good to have you with us. thank you so much. folks, folks, i got to say, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here that gets me right here that gets me right here. and folks when you give me, when you give to me the love and the night it makes me want to start a tell thon, to give back the joy and the happy and the kind. i wish hi better news to start the show off but once again, this is who is attacking me now. nation, i come to you tonight a troubled man. you see, in these dark times we cling to our sacred institutions, the church, the family, the google. but today, today i am a drift. cast about like a cork in a typhoon, the foundations of my very self have been undermined because this afternoon i found an error on the internet.
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yes, oh you heard that right. and folks, this time it was about me. you see, folks, when i googled myself this afternoon, as i do every day at 3:00 sharp, i have a full fibrous lunch, then to the bathroom, google myself until i come out. folks, i was horrified to learn that the google celebrity profile of me lists my height at 5, 10. 5, 10? what does is that measured in, hectares? because it sure as [bleep] isn't feet and inches, google. i am 5, 11. these people know. these people know. you can see it. 5, 11 i have been 5, 11
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since i was 14 years old. and i am speaking directly to google c.e.o. larry page right now. which camera do i need-- which camera do we feed directly to google? this one? all right. larry, larry, i demand a retraction and an investigation. an apology and a substantial cash settlement or i will see your ass in court. some viewers might say steven, it's only 1 inch what is the big deal. first of all, shut your mouth, greg, i'm talking to larry right now. >> i'm shaking. let me explain to everyone out there what height means in the business we call show. i'm 5, 11, okay? that's me, brad pitt and russell crowe. these are my peers. when we're in the sene room
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naked, no shoes, we're looking each other eye-to-eye. that means something. it means i'm 5, 117. seriously, 5, 10, those are matt dam nonls. (laughter) that's down there in the steal air that johnny depp is stuck in. i mean these guys represent the lollipop guild. ♪ and i'm not getting greedy here, i'm not getting greedy. i'm not acting to be listed as circus freaks like conan as the 6, 4, nobody wants that, they don't live long, they're like great takens, he already has hip dysplasia, i just want the height i deserve. i fought for every inch. and no one, no one is take that from me, especially not larry page who according to google is 5, 11. oh. oh, oh, what a coincidence. couldn't stand the competition, huh? fix it or i will fix you, page. and yes that is a physical
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therapy. oh, but-- (applause) >> oh, no, oh no, but how-- how coy hurt you? i'm only 5, 10, i could never reach up there. sleep lightly, lawrence, for the rest of the nation, you see one of those google cars driving around taking pictures, i want you to remind them that it's not 5, 10, it's 5, 11 i've had it. they attacked me and they attacked me, they have think they can destroy me, they can never destroy the nation. (cheers and applause) >> and you know, folks, for the record, i believe in giving everyone, everyone the benefit of the doubt. except greg, greg's an idiot. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (applause)
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first up folks, i was outraged when the president won the nobel peace prize in 2009 for quote his vision of and work for a world free from nuclear weapons. but it's five years later and he has been unable to disarm one of the largest nuclear powers in the world. >> president obama pledged to work towards a nuclear-free world, a move that helped him win the nobel peace prize. >> but now five years later comes this, a 355 billion dollar plan over the next decade to upgrade weapons, plants, laboratories and delivery systems. the president who set out to move america and the world beyond nuclear weapons is now overseeing a massive rebuilding of the country's atomic infrastructure. >> sorry, liberals, turns out president kumbaya is actually president boom-ba-yay so i'm giving a tip of the hat to barack obama for holding on to
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america's megatons for a mega-good reason. >> the national nuclear security administration is holding off on disassembling some nuclear components because of as trieds. "the wall street journal" reports the mission is tucked away deep inside a government accountability office report listing one reason some material needs to be retained, quote, potential use in planetary defense against earth-bound asteroids. calling the material an irreplacable national asset. >> stephen: that's right, instead of decommissioning our nukes, we're saving them to shoot down asteroids. that is the exact same reason we haven't decommissioned bruce willis. don't tell the russians, we swore we would get rid of him. >> next up, nation, this past weekend was new york city's comic con and the biggest comic book announcement came from marvel family creator of the thing, the hulk, ironman, mr. fantastic, cyclops and presumably even some
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characters that aren't named after -- >> but stan lee's latest creation makes me mcfurious because he is going baliwood launching chakra the invincible, a film about his first indian superhero comic car. raju rai, a technology genius living in mumbai who develops an enhanced suit that activates a mystical chakras of the body unleeferbing new found abilities and powers. in other words, he's a combination of ironman and that guy who always puts his matt down next to your wife at yoga class. (laughter) >> stephen: i'm giving a wag of my finger to stan lee for outsourcing america's superheroes. folks, i am having-- (applause) >> stephen: folks, i am having none of this. a superhero from india? we can't trust them. they already worship dr. octopus. plus his superpower is unlocking his human potential, that's not how you get superpowers.
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heroes get their powers the american way, from government experiments, or a capitalism, or radiation, or radiation, or radiation, from space, you know, something plausible. plus chakras come from the hindu religion. how come hindus get a superhero and we catholics don't. we should at least give pope francis adamantium claws. >> (applause) he can use them to fight his nemesis the hobgoblin. we'll be right back the best way ever. from t-mobile.
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>> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much. folks, thanks, everybody. folks, i'm a huge fan of fox news anchor sean hannity. sen sean is such a good journalist can break down the news into simple terms that even he can understand. and recently my main manity hannity introduced a new segment on his show called question of the day, where he answers the most pressing questions of our time. >> time now for the question of the day, new segment on hannity. now you get to know a little bit more about me and i get to know more but, our loyal viewers so tonight's question is who is your favorite band, what was your first car. >> what is your favorite tv show, the binge watch. >> thank you, i will need your mother's maiden name and the name of your first pet and your social security number and we will set up a
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credit card for my good friend, the nigerian prince. >> but hannity saved the best for the most recent. because last night he answered the question that was on all of his mind. >> time for a question of the day, tonight's question is something i'm really excited about. what is your favorite way to work out. now president obama, he delicately jogs on his elliptical and struggles to lift a couple of two pound weights. i've been engaging in a real exercise. >> stephen: yeah, president obama delicatelying jogs while hannity forcefully rams president obama into this segment for no reason. so-- (applause) not even any lubricant. so so what is your exercise
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secret, sean? >> for the past 18 months i've lost 27 pounds by spending several hours each week doing this, it's what my instructor calls street martial arts which is really a mixed martial arts program that includes kick boxes, jiujitsu, fill pynneau martial arts and blade and firearm training. >> stephen: well, of course you do blade training. i mean handling knives is amazing exercise. that's why mario batali is in such great shape. and folks, (applause) talk about getting ripped. firearm training? >> i'll bet sean has six-pack finger abs. folks, seeing sean take time out from covering ebola and isis to let us know his bode is rock hard, has inspired me to introduce my own segment where i ask myself flattering questions about myself. it's time for stephen colbert's everything i wanted you to want to foe
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about me but i was afraid you wouldn't ask. (cheers and applause) nation,. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) nation, there were so many great questions to choose from that i submitted like have you lost weight or how do you get your skin to grow like a pregnant woman's, and wow, stephen, you are so great it's amazing. but the one i have decided to ask an answer tonight is, i've noticed you're in much better shape than sean hannity. how do you work out? (cheers and applause) well, thanks for asking mimi, sean hannity delegat delegate-- delicately shoots his jiujitsu guns and can barley lift a two pound scimitar. i work out like a real man, i get up, make a protein
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face and throw it in the face of a jaguar, then i crab walk for 25 miles and stab a mountain in the heart. then i finish up with a little self-flagellation an a catapult work. i'm telling you, cranking the rack really blasts my core. and the past 18 months i've lost over 30 pounds. now most of that is blood weight thanks to the jaguar. of course, there is one-- (applause) of course there is one area of physical fitness where i will never match saern. flexibility. because listening to him answer questions about himself on his own show, i know i can never watch his abilities to get his head up his own ass. i mean literally, literally. i look forward to more of sean's answers to burning questions like how is this news. and what else is on tv.
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>> welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight directed a new film dear white people. please welcome justin simien. mr. symmien thank you so much for coming on. >> thank you. >> good to see you. >> very good to be here. >> thanks for being here.
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congratulations. >> thank you. >> very heady time for you right now. >> it is a heady time. >> are you a writer, director producer of the film dear white people. >> that is true. >> it won the special jury award for breakthrough talent at the 2014 sundance film festival and earned you a spot in variety magazine's ten directors to watch. >> yeah. >> all right. >> that's right. >> how does it feel to know that variety magazine has officially said keep an eye on that black guy. >> it's a little scary, man, i live in the age of twit soar people have got my twitter handle. they can figure out easily where i live, what my movements are. so i don't know. but it's nice, it's an honor and it's kind of surreal to get all of that in my first fill. it's crazy, i'm grateful. >> why dow make the film, called dear white people s it a love letter to white people? >> it is called dear white
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people but the movie itself is to the actually a rant to white people. it actually focuses on these four black kids that are mostly white collar, sort of figuring out their identities. and there is a character in the movie her name is sam. she's got a radio show called dear white people. she's a bit of a rebel rouser and calls people out on their microaggression. >> stephen: what day microaggression. >> some of the faw pass, sort of being schoked that a black person is articulate, you know when you have like, you know, an afro and you find white fingers in it all the time. >> stephen: that happen sms. >> it happens all the time. you didn't know that? >> stephen: i didn't know that. are they hiding things in there. why are there fingers in there. >> i don't know what they're looking for, culture maybe, i didn't know. >> stephen: i have a clip here, the young lady is in the dining hall of the-- is it the dpining hall that is predominantly. >> predominantly black residence hall and there is a character named curt who sort of heads up a magazine on campus and he doesn't really take too kindly to
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sam's show dear white people and he lets her know it. >> okay, take a look. >> dear white people, right? >> it's funny stuff, how have we not-- you yet. >> you uninspired human magazine. >> it is actually much more than just a magazine, sweetheart. it is basically half lampoon, same goes to the network comedies. >> and what gives you clubhouse kids the right to come to our dining hall? >> you know,-- liz's here. >> so he can't eat here. >> let the man eat. >> who are you to throw me out? >> well, i think i'm head of this house. and i'm doing things my way. (applause) >> powerful piece. >> thank you. >> why make a come gee
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about-- a comedy about racism? >> i don't think racism is funny. that's where you and i differ. >> yeah, yeah. >> you know, i don't actually see the movie as being about racism per se. racism sort of exists in the world of any person of color. >> so microaggressions are not the same thing as racism? >> it's covert racism, sort of racism hidden under the surface but the movie focus on identity it focus on these kids in a world where microaggressions and covert racism occur. and talked about kind of the difficulty of finding yourself in a place that doesn't necessarily reflect you. >> is this an autobiographical story, did you find yourself in a place you didn't recognize. >> america, generally speaking, but there are-- . >> stephen: america number one, though, usa number one. >> it's the best, it's great. but it's just working on some things too. besides putting my hand in your fro, is there other microaggressions i should avoid. because i want to be
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friendly with black people. i have many black friends. >> okay. >> i think we have some pictures of me with some of my black friends over the years. >> oh, wow, that's good. >> yeah. >> wow, yeah, you have more black friends than i do, i think. so congratulations. >> stephen: oh really? >> yeah. >> stephen: thank you. (applause) >> good job, man. i think it's a start. i think it's a start. i think part of it is it's not making assumptions about people based on their race. you know, it's great that you have black friends. i don't think it absolutely absolves you of the topic of racism or being able to stick your head in the sand. >> stephen: okay, than these pictures of me with black people if it's not to absolve me of racism, i don't put these pictures up here for my health. >> oh, wow, okay. >> stephen: it's to prove i'm not a racist. >> i think would be nice to have friends just because you like them. >> stephen: of course i like them. i also like that i get to show the pictures. >> yeah. we do live in the age of the
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selfie where it is nice to show off but i don't think a person necessarily wants to be a prop in your life w all due respect. i think people sort of want to be your friends because you genuinely like them. >> stephen: snoop seems happy. >> yeah, he does. >> stephen: now these assumptions we make about people based upon their appearance, are they necessarily racial or is it a microaggression for me to look at the tweed and the plaid and go that guy say nerd. >> that would actually be accurate. >> stephen: it would be? that is not a microaggression t is a microidentification. >> i'm a huge nerd. >> stephen: you self-identify as nerd. >> i do and everything that comes with that. >> stephen: i think you also identify as gay. >> it's true. >> stephen: is there any chance you might gentrifying yourself out of your own neighborhood? >> it's a chance. >> stephen: good luck with that. >> it's a chance. thanks, man. >> jon: justin simien, the movie is dear white people. opens october 17th this friday. friday. we'll be right back.
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>> that's it for the report, everybody, good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on vine today! ladies and gentlemen, i present you what internet journalism powerhouse uproxx.com called "the worst moment of the obama presidency." ( laughter ) well, the internet has never failed me about anything, ever. all of us. let's see if they're right. jack, roll that vine. >> turnip? for what? ( cheers and applause )